Fears

When I think back on all my fears growing up, I laugh. Boys not thinking I was cute enough, being rejected, never finding anyone that loved me etc. All laughable compared to what my real fears actually are which is failing as a human being. I just refuse to fail at being the best and living the best life that I have been given. My husband lost his job almost two weeks ago that he has been with for 5 years and my anxiety has reached new peaks. I am as a whole a worrying, tense person and with good reason. Nothing ever goes right for me and as I sit around watching everything happen for everyone else, it makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong and I think it's my attitude. I need to just get over myself and realize it could be worse. I could have just been hit with not one but two tsunamis and not know where my husband or family is, dead or alive. I could be losing my house due to finances. I could have a disable kid and be struggling on my own. The list goes on. So maybe as a society we need to realize that it's not the end of the world if our paint doesnt look like it did in the store. That is not a real crisis. In this day in age, if you have a job, a roof over your head and food on your table, thats enough. We were created to survive and that is just what I'm going to do. Trust me, my fears are still there and probably wont go away because surviving on my income little as it is will simply not work. But there has got to be something better or more positive around the corner for us. He wasnt happy at his job so maybe this is a scary ass sign that something to better ourselves is coming. What I am thankful for is that I have my home, I have food and I dont have a child to take care of through all this. Most of all, we have our faith and each other and whatever happens, we will see it through. The good the bad and the ugly because unlike many couples today, I said my vows and meant them. We will survive. I would give anything though to go back to hs days where boys were my biggest stress because as an adult, the realities we are thrown are tremendously worse but time machines are not an option. I just pray I make it as a human and fulfill any purpose I was supposed to because that is what really counts. That I stay true to me, my heart and my dreams. Amen.

Jar of Hearts

Why do people judge? Why do they change in the blink of an eye? I will never understand this concept. I am about 99% sure that I have never changed, conformed or been someone or something else for anyone. I have had moments of short term memory loss of myself but I came back quickly. Yet constantly I see people (mainly men) that change so quickly, they shatter everything and everyone around them. They also lie. My dear friend is experiencing a heartache so bad right now because of this, I don't even have words for her. I literally found myself watching her cry thinking nothing I could possibly say will make this better or not be cliche so just shut it and move on Alyssa! Pisses me off even more that these tears were over the Lord of the Douches of all men. One minute he's one person, the next he's not. Newsflash buddy: It is not possible to change that fast, you just were never really ballsy enough to show your true colors. That is sad to me. I do my best job every day of making sure people know exactly who I am and what I'm about if they're talking to me. My thinking is, if we're compatible awesome, we will get along. Or it will give them the heads up to run the hell away while they can which is normally what happens as I happen to make inappropriate comments, swear like a sailor and pretty much dramatize everything as I feel like I watch so much reality tv I am now those people hahahah. I also quote the office too much but I find that to be a good quality and in no way a flaw:)  This dude though, I just can't get over it, changed his colors faster than a chameleon going undercover. So my whole point of this blog is just this: Never be afraid of who you are whether it be good or bad. You can really spare someone the heartbreak or the time if you just lay it on the line because whether you or good or bad, someone will get  you. Someone will want to spend time with you or help you if that's what you need. It never is what you look like, despite popular belief. It all boils down to who will talk to you and share good conversation with you. If this guy would have just said his problems and concerns, my friend could have saved herself some time and money once knowing the real him. But such is life.  A big bitch slap to the face sometimes. So please remember everyone, expose yourself personally and maybe, just maybe you can truly liberate yourself and come to realize that we all rule in our own special ways.

Life's a dance I'm learning as I Go

Well I am currently experiencing trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of all the other anxiety/stress related shit that's happening to me. Two weeks ago, I passed out at the very desk I type at. I came to face first on the ground with broken glasses that had apparently busted on the way down because I looked like hell. I had a bruised eye, forehead and a huge cut down my nose, not to mention my lip was busted so how I did not feel all this I will never know. I am setting up an appointment with an anxiety doctor so that I can get my breathing and temperament in check or else I am headed back down the horrible path I came from and that is not what I need right now. So as I was sitting here thinking about how shitty things are right now what with being only 25 and about to be on anti depressants, I read a friends blog about her daughter. Her daughter was born with a heart disease, is only ten months old and is going to have to experience an intense surgery. Not only that, her parents have to have countless fundraisers just to try to pay off all these bills. Which really made me realize that every day is a blessing and no matter how much I hate my predicaments right now, someone out there is suffering and has it ten times worse and they are not bitching even a little. I am hoping that the kind people of colleywood will donate some money to where I can get her something to contribute to her walk a thon they are holding for her because I need to start paying it forward. I am broke right now from my own bills but they pale in comparison to this family who I must say are handling this amazingly. On a separate note, Mark will most likely be starting online school soon, just gotta find a college that he can do his work online. Then after a few years, I can be outta here because frankly peeps I need an adventure. Two years from now, we wanna have a kid. We wanna travel and live somewhere in another state. I think we are gonna rock it too! I just pray every day for strength because Lord knows I need it. I cannot pass out or wake up with anxiety attacks and breathing problems anymore. So to that end, I'm gonna finish chuggin my dr pepper and veg out until i fall asleep. Good night:)

Long time no blog:)

Well I believe the last time I blogged there was a blizzard a foot. That has come and gone. It very kindly left me with an upper respiratory infection. When the weather changes that quickly and drastically, no good can come for my immune system. Eh anywho, not much has changed since my last post. Still in a funk, still wanting out out out! The other day, a lady tells me it's gross that I am working with food when I have a nasty cough and clearly dont feel well. I tell her I will be perfectly fine with her paying my wages for me to go home if she can convince my bosses to let me go home. There is no rest for the weak where I roll. sad fact but true. Also last time I checked, who was putting a gun to her head making her eat a sample from someone she feels is disgusting?! Not me:) Although a gun to her head makes a nice mental picture. I did meet a nice lady today who's 20 year old daughter is getting married and rolls with rich kids. The family however is not rich. So here is this poor woman trying to plan a spectacular wedding and party for her kid on a beer budget with a child with champagne taste. I taught her a bunch of things today, like how to make beer taste like champagne figuratively speaking. See, being pretty much living paycheck to paycheck teaches how to have nice stuff without spending alot. It's all about the presentation. I have things in my house that came from thrift stores and you would never know because I jazz them up or decorate with them in ways that make them look fancy. I have gotten really good with that. In fact, I dont think if I did come into money that I would want fancy ass furniture and decor because I rather enjoy a good bargain find. So I consider myself an expert in the ways of buying on a budget. Hopefully what I shared with her will help her daughter's big day to be a success. Despite contrary belief, I thoroughly enjoy what I do if it was all I did but since becoming a human doormat/bitch servant, it makes the days tedious. Colleywood can be mercilous. Explain to me this: how are these people rolling in money, but they come in and eat all my samples like they havent  had food in freakin years. Really?! Go home and have your personal chef make you something, but quit eating the food in bulk that i have to keep making until my shift is up. Also, get a real life. These women come in daily just to taste samples and buy like two things to make it seem like thats what they wanted. I dont know about you guys but I do not go to grocery stores on my days off just to try samples. That's is more than mildlyl pathetic. Oh well what can I do? Not a damn thing I tell ya! So I will just return to my comfy couch with my doggies and eat my chicken wings that I did not get as a free sample. Maybe one day I will serve straight up poo as a sample and I will confidently tell you they would eat it...oh they will eat it....

Ice Ice Baby!

It is supposed to ice up again. Some see this as a negative, I see it as a way to prepare for when I'm living in either Colorado or Alaska (preferably alaska. You see, the more I think about it, the more I want to move to Alaska. I could be doing humpback whale tours while Mark was a game warden. We could have snow days every day and months of night and months of light only. It sounds so fascinating and honestly, I need an adventure. If Mark said to me today, let's pick up and move to Alaska, I'm there. All the wildlife, animals and adventure excite me and I am sooo honestly bored where I'm at in life right now it's unreal. Mark and I have hit a spot where nothing is satisfying about this place anymore or what we're doing. It's all routine. Literally every week I do the same exact things and while some are fun (glee night, grocery shopping night) I want something more. I crave something more. I want to go somewhere new, start from scratch and meet crazy people that have crazy lives and experience cool shit all the time. If they talked to me now, it would be like oh yea i work 40 hours a week and cook dinner everynight. I want to do more than that. I want Nichole and I's cookbook to be published and be a success. Is that too much to ask for?  I don't think so considering I have more than paid my dues. So I am going to rush Mark and myself through school and get us outta here. It doesn't even have to be Alaska. It could be Colorado, Corpus Christi (beach fun!!) or Montana! Imagine...well i'm off to finish dinner (story of my freakin life) and feed my wonderful hubster. He is about the only thing around here besides my doggies I am not tired of so I guess that's good right?

Forget the Gaylord, come visit Texas for an Ice Show:)

Remember how we talked about ice last blog? It's still attacking our heated state of Texas and it seems to show no signs of stopping. Us texans are used to crazy weather but this is something else! It is going to snow tonight next week but somehow be wonderful weather for the Super Bowl. Really?!! Why is it Jerry Jones wins again? This man had plows to push the ice away from the buses bringing in dumb jocks who wear tights and attack each other for a ball. It does not get much gay-er than that and believe me I have many gay friends. I just don't understand also how during rolling blackouts (which by the way no other state has to deal with that is how unprepared our state is), the new stadium of theirs did not get affected in any way. Interesting..it seems money can buy you power and unfortunately a very satanic man has this said power. I mean children and teachers cannot go to school and function because their lives are at risk and there is no way to help them apparently but a plow can push ice for these guys? Not cool. You would think they were from Colleywood or something. Speaking of which, one guy told me he appreciated me being there today. I'm glad that made him feel better about himself because I did not appreciate it so much. As from these blogs  you can probably tell, I'm not a very polite, positive, upbeat person and I'm fine with that. So are my nearest and dearest. It may seem all ranty and such but no one speaks up anymore and I am not ok with working in zero heat and freezing temperatures that can induce frost bite. I am a vital part of my company and I have to work to pay my mortgage so I go but we would be able to shut down if you damn colleywood people would stay your asses at home like everyone else! Also, I know they say bitching and moaning doesn't solve the problem but it makes me feel good so if you don't like hearing about it, stop reading this or get over it because I probably don't care about your feelings. I just want to start my writing career, make my cookbook and have fun cooking parties with Nichole. I also want my husband to finish school stat so we can move out of state hopefully. Honestly, this gal needs an adventure and I am going nuts being stuck in this rut I call my life. So to the weather I say this: go away ice! To Jerry Jones I say this: I hate your face. To Colleywood I say this: stop risking your life for pre-made food and making me work for my money:) The timer on the oven's going off so I bid you adieu..

Hell Hath Froze Over!!

So here's what's new in Colleywood as of right now: Ice ice and more ice. Oh and this said ice is an epidemic and is also covering almost all of Texas right now. Guess who gets to work in this shit because Colleywood elite never sleep? This gal and she is not pleased. It's one thing to have to work in bad weather, I would understand if I did something truly meaningful but I serve demos and take catering orders. Now if you're from Colleywood, that means life ends if you are not present 24/7 to tend to their needs. But here is what I want answered: why when other businesses have shut down and the news is saying please stay indoors are they all out shopping, then bitching that we don't have power or that it is too cold in the store? Really? I didn't notice the cold. Why? Because I have been standing in it for 7 hours to serve you assholes and I now cannot feel feelings. Then they come in and say man why are you here, the weather is so bad right now. That's when I reply, well I wouldn't be here if you assholes would stop shopping for dumb shit and risking your life for a jar of cherries. They will not shut down our store if there are people still coming in. That being said, I quite enjoy this weather. Not the working in it with no heat part but my hubstser being home all day and when I get home. cuddling up at night and watching snowflakes fall. The challenge of driving on the ice without dying. It's all fun to me. And I will surely miss it when it's gone because I think crazy weather is cool. I could stand it to go up in temperature a little bit I mean 18?!! That's a bit much! I am totally ok with like 30's and 40's though. heck when it goes up to that here soon, we will all be in tank tops we will think it's so warm. So cheers to weather, boos all around to working in it. Oh and people of Colleywood, if you truly believe I should not be at work in all this ice, stop shopping. Please.