Jar of Hearts

Why do people judge? Why do they change in the blink of an eye? I will never understand this concept. I am about 99% sure that I have never changed, conformed or been someone or something else for anyone. I have had moments of short term memory loss of myself but I came back quickly. Yet constantly I see people (mainly men) that change so quickly, they shatter everything and everyone around them. They also lie. My dear friend is experiencing a heartache so bad right now because of this, I don't even have words for her. I literally found myself watching her cry thinking nothing I could possibly say will make this better or not be cliche so just shut it and move on Alyssa! Pisses me off even more that these tears were over the Lord of the Douches of all men. One minute he's one person, the next he's not. Newsflash buddy: It is not possible to change that fast, you just were never really ballsy enough to show your true colors. That is sad to me. I do my best job every day of making sure people know exactly who I am and what I'm about if they're talking to me. My thinking is, if we're compatible awesome, we will get along. Or it will give them the heads up to run the hell away while they can which is normally what happens as I happen to make inappropriate comments, swear like a sailor and pretty much dramatize everything as I feel like I watch so much reality tv I am now those people hahahah. I also quote the office too much but I find that to be a good quality and in no way a flaw:)  This dude though, I just can't get over it, changed his colors faster than a chameleon going undercover. So my whole point of this blog is just this: Never be afraid of who you are whether it be good or bad. You can really spare someone the heartbreak or the time if you just lay it on the line because whether you or good or bad, someone will get  you. Someone will want to spend time with you or help you if that's what you need. It never is what you look like, despite popular belief. It all boils down to who will talk to you and share good conversation with you. If this guy would have just said his problems and concerns, my friend could have saved herself some time and money once knowing the real him. But such is life.  A big bitch slap to the face sometimes. So please remember everyone, expose yourself personally and maybe, just maybe you can truly liberate yourself and come to realize that we all rule in our own special ways.

Life's a dance I'm learning as I Go

Well I am currently experiencing trouble sleeping. Add that to the list of all the other anxiety/stress related shit that's happening to me. Two weeks ago, I passed out at the very desk I type at. I came to face first on the ground with broken glasses that had apparently busted on the way down because I looked like hell. I had a bruised eye, forehead and a huge cut down my nose, not to mention my lip was busted so how I did not feel all this I will never know. I am setting up an appointment with an anxiety doctor so that I can get my breathing and temperament in check or else I am headed back down the horrible path I came from and that is not what I need right now. So as I was sitting here thinking about how shitty things are right now what with being only 25 and about to be on anti depressants, I read a friends blog about her daughter. Her daughter was born with a heart disease, is only ten months old and is going to have to experience an intense surgery. Not only that, her parents have to have countless fundraisers just to try to pay off all these bills. Which really made me realize that every day is a blessing and no matter how much I hate my predicaments right now, someone out there is suffering and has it ten times worse and they are not bitching even a little. I am hoping that the kind people of colleywood will donate some money to where I can get her something to contribute to her walk a thon they are holding for her because I need to start paying it forward. I am broke right now from my own bills but they pale in comparison to this family who I must say are handling this amazingly. On a separate note, Mark will most likely be starting online school soon, just gotta find a college that he can do his work online. Then after a few years, I can be outta here because frankly peeps I need an adventure. Two years from now, we wanna have a kid. We wanna travel and live somewhere in another state. I think we are gonna rock it too! I just pray every day for strength because Lord knows I need it. I cannot pass out or wake up with anxiety attacks and breathing problems anymore. So to that end, I'm gonna finish chuggin my dr pepper and veg out until i fall asleep. Good night:)